Steps In Dating Site:focusonthefamily.com
- Steps In Dating Site:focusonthefamily.com -
- Steps In Dating Process
- Steps In A Relationship Dating
- Steps In Dating Site:focusonthefamily.com 2017
- Stages Of Dating
- Rescuing Your Marriage from Pornography (Part 2 of 2) November 17, 2021. Rosie Makinney examines the damaging impact of porn on marriage and explains how couples can protect themselves against it. (Part 2 of 2) Original Air Date: November 17, 2021.
- Jan 01, 2007 Next Steps: Marriage Assessment We want your marriage to be thriving and healthy. Take the free Marriage Assessment from Focus on the Family to learn how to strengthen your bond with your spouse and get the tools to help you need to grow closer together.
Dating and Pursuing Marriage With Purpose (Lisa Anderson) 295 Anderson talks about how singles can date with purpose, and the importance of forming a community to help you “meet and marry.” Anderson also discusses the pitfalls of online dating and the importance of the Church coming alongside singles. About Focus on the Family Ministries Programs Leadership Financials Careers Visit Helping Families Thrive Focus on the Family is a global Christian ministry dedicated to helping families thrive. We provide help and resources for couples to build healthy marriages that reflect God’s design, and for parents to raise their children according to morals and values.
Have you ever had a vivid nightmare where you’re being chased and, trying to get away from what is pursuing you, you try to run faster? How did that work? Given the nature of nightmares, it probably wasn’t very successful.
Unfortunately, that’s exactly what too many couples experience in their day-to-day, ultimately making them feel stuck in marriage. Many couples feel like they’re stuck in a bad dream. They’re facing a problem or challenge and repeat the same things over and over to make it stop … with no change.
More of the same never brings change — it doesn’t wake you up from your bad dream.
Famed counselor Paul Watzlawick illustrated the “more of the same” concept in what he called first-order change versus second-order change.
First-order change is continuing to do the same thing even though it shows no modification. This could look like running faster in a bad dream or trying to change a spouse by saying the same thing repeatedly — even though the last 10 conversations didn’t improve anything.
But second-order change “wakes us up.” It occurs when something from the outside breaks in and provokes us to a new state of being, ushering in a new way of relating, understanding, awareness, hope and encouragement.
In a bad dream, the something “outside” that wakes us up could be the baby crying down the hall, the alarm clock going off or the daylight streaming through a window. Even if a bad dream seems vivid and real, that second-order change agent prompts us out of bed. And from that new position comes a new state of awareness, causing even a bad dream to lose its grip on us.
Consider the following four ways to “wake up” and start moving toward healing if you feel stuck in your marriage, like a repeating bad dream.
‘Stillness’ causes you to be stuck in marriage
Consider the psychological study featuring a mother and her young child. The mother and child are strongly connected; she makes good eye contact, brightens her eyes and smiles at the child, who smiles back. She engages her daughter in mock conversations and hugs her — all the things you’d see a loving mother do to bond with her child.
But then, as part of the study, the mother’s face suddenly goes completely still. The need for connection that the child is used to having met is confronted with a frozen mask. Almost immediately, the child knows that something has changed. She does everything she can to cause her mother to wake up and respond by making noises, waving her arm, even crying, before finally turning away.
After only a minute or two of “still face” (the title of this study), the mother again engages in all the connection cues that marked an expressive, loving relationship, and the child warms up. It’s an unforgettable picture of the intense feelings that come when someone we love and need steps away.
In most cases, the couples who feel stuck in marriage keep doing one thing over and over — they “step away” from their spouse when they feel they’re getting nowhere. Have you stopped speaking or no longer make eye contact? Maybe you’ve stopped touching or stopped reaching back when the other person reaches out for days, weeks or even longer. Interestingly, the word in the Bible for life is “movement.” The word for death means “to step away.” So, one way to “wake up” from that bad dream of feeling stuck in marriage is to start movingback toward connection.
Steps In Dating Site:focusonthefamily.com -
‘Movement’ wakes you up from feeling stuck in marriage
“Waking up” from being stuck in marriage begins when you start moving in a different direction: toward your spouse. “Movement” begins when you hold hands while talking about something difficult, when you look them in the eyes again and choose to sit next to them.
Waking up from a bad dream in your marriage also looks like increased self-awareness during conflict. It’s realizing that if you step more than three feet away from your spouse in an argument, you’re going to raise your voice (and not just for “emphasis”). It’s knowing that you’ll negatively impact your spouse if you use a “still face” to punish them or withdraw from them.
By committing to take small steps in positive, engaging ways instead of being emotionally absent, you and your spouse can move toward a fulfilling marriage.
The most powerful force for second-order change can be found inside your heart
As tough as things might be, there’s Someone stronger and able to help get us back on our feet again. He is the source of movement and life! Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly” (John 10:10). Often when we’re feeling stuck in marriage, we also give up on reaching out for help from God or others. Yet the most powerful second-order change agent in the universe is “Christ in you” (Colossians 1:27).
Even if you’ve stepped away or someone has stepped away from you, a powerful starting place for reconnection is knowing you’re safe and secure in His love for you. Jesus tells us, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5).
The reality of God’s love enables us to drop our pride and seek to understand our spouse, to open their car door, help them with a household chore without being asked, send a text saying we’re praying for them or make that call to finally go in to see a counselor. Reengaging with God’s love can help us refuse to settle for the things that keep us stuck in marriage and remember that God is able to bring us life, new hope and new commitment.
Your “bad dream” often has you dancing to the oldies
That “bad dream” you’re stuck in is like a dance that you and your spouse play on repeat. Such a negative dance is often set to music from an “oldies” station. Here’s an example of what I mean:
From the beginning of our marriage, bill-paying day at our house was like a bad dream for my wife, Cindy, and me (or rather my attitude and actions made it seem like a recurring nightmare.) At the end of each month, I’d see the bills on the table and become upset, even if we had the money to pay them. That would irritate Cindy, and around and around we’d go — her telling me I was overreacting and giving those same “stay away from John today” attitudes and actions, while I got angry in return.
Steps In Dating Process
Finally, a wise person asked Cindy and me about the “music” behind our monthly bad-dream dance around bill-paying. We were asked the simple question, “What was bill-paying like in your home growing up?”
It was a question that woke me up to an uncomfortable reality. I’d grown up in a single-parent home. My mother was often sick and unable to work. At the end of the month, it was a super stressful time for my mother, as she’d try to figure out which bills to pay and which ones to push back yet again.
What a shock that I’d grown up and repeated the pattern I had seen over and over in my childhood, contributing to Cindy and me feeling stuck in our marriage. I’d become oversensitive and angry when I just looked at a bill. I would hear the music of fear and anxiety start playing from my past and would negatively react in the present moment.
It took lengthy conversations with my wife for me to realize that “bad dream” we were stuck in was set to music from my past. I eventually realized that I had a choice in the present to wake up and move past those memories. I didn’t have to do “more of the same.”
Invite a loving community of friends to help you “stay awake”
Many of us feel stuck in marriage, reliving unhealthy patterns. Repeating unhealthy habits points us toward what behavioral researcher Martin Seligman calls “learned helplessness.” This occurs when trials go on for an extended period of time and instead of trying again when the “bad dream” feels inescapable, we fall down and give up.
If that sounds like your situation, you can bring an “outside” second-order change into your “more-of-the-same” world. This could look like bringing in a group of loving, accepting friends in the form of a supportive small group.
Remember that when Jesus brings us life, it’s meant to be lived out in community and connection with others. When you let other people into the rooms of your life, it’s difficult to stay in the dark or continue to feel stuck in marriage. When you hear about another person’s struggle that’s even more challenging than yours or perhaps is the same as your situation, you no longer feel alone in the dark.
A small group of friends who are wise enough to admit that there are situations they don’t understand and at times don’t know what to say is powerful. Individuals in your life who remind you that they care and, more importantly, God cares, is crucial for the health of your marriage. We need people who help us believe — through their belief in God and us — that we surely will come through a tough time.
A supportive small group can be God’s “second-order change” alarm clock for you — waking you up, showing you the way back toward your loved ones and Him … and bringing life to your marriage. But the “bad dreams” I’ve talked about aren’t ones that are more like horror films. If your “nightmares” involve emotional or physical abuse, call a counselor or seek professional help right away.
© 2021 John Trent and Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. Originally published at focusonthefamily.com.
Your Teen Needs You Most of All
Steps In A Relationship Dating
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well
Reconnected: The Digital Experience
Journey with Jesus!
Next Steps: Marriage Assessment
We want your marriage to be thriving and healthy. Take the free Marriage Assessment from Focus on the Family to learn how to strengthen your bond with your spouse and get the tools to help you need to grow closer together.
Next Steps: Fruit of the Spirit Devotionals for Couples
The Fruit of the Spirit Devotional is a free series of nine short videos to get you into God’s Word and inspire you to seek the Holy Spirit’s help in loving your spouse.
Dr. John Trent is the president of Strong Families, an organization committed to strengthening family relationships. He is also a conference speaker and an award-winning, best-selling author whose recent books include Breaking the Cycle of Divorce, Heartshift and Leading from Your Strengths. Dr. Trent holds a Master of Theology degree from Dallas Theological Seminary, and a Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Counseling from North Central Texas Federation of Colleges and Universities. He and his wife, Cindy, have two daughters. Learn more about Dr. Trent by visiting www.strongfamilies.com, and check out his recently revised book The Language of Love by visiting encouragingwords.com.
Someone once asked the great philosopher Plato, “What is man?” He replied, “Man is a featherless biped,” (an animal with two feet) demonstrating that the renowned Greek thinker had a sense of humor. The answer doesn’t really tell us what man is in any substantial sense, leading one of his rivals at the time to show up at lectures holding a plucked chicken in order to make fun of Plato’s definition.
But the question is important. It is only through understanding who we are that we can come to understand what we may become through God’s plan. Are human beings basically good or is there something wrong with us? Do we naturally seek after God and His moral goodness or do we tend to desire to do our own thing on our own terms? The first article in this series provided an overview of God’s outline of history in creation, fall, redemption and restoration. This article will emphasize the human condition and need.
Defining Sin and its Extent
Before we can begin to restore our relationship with God, we need to understand that this relationship is broken to begin with and why that is the case. The relationship is broken not because of anything God has done, but because of what we have done. We have turned away from God’s standards and made our own path.
Sin is a key concept in Christianity, but it’s also that negative word no one likes to talk about. We prefer to be positive, to think that people are basically good. But Christianity claims that sin has a hold on everyone. Before we get ahead of ourselves, though, let’s take a moment to define sin.
Sin involves any deviation from God’s perfect standard of holiness. This can be the result of our thoughts, our behavior or in what we say. Christ emphasized the importance of being internally moral, not just externally moral. That’s why he provided His listeners with examples such as, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28). [1]
Our sinful behavior harms others, harms us and, more importantly, is an affront to a holy God. This is not God’s way of taking all the fun out of life. Rather, if we were designed to function best a certain way – living in harmony with God – then the best thing for us is to restore our broken relationship with God and enjoy life within the parameters He has established.
As a result of sin, we reject God and instead put ourselves in His place. This means that sin is not only the fact of our separation from God, but also involves our willful disobedience.
But what is the extent of sin? According to the Bible, sin is universal. As a whole we are fallen and sinful, but we are also fallen and sinful individually. As Paul explained, “As it is written: ‘There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God. All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one'” (Romans 3:10-12).
The Word Became Flesh
If human nature is so corrupt, then how can any of us restore our relationship with God? The truth is, on our own we can’t (Ephesians 2:8-9). While God has revealed Himself to us in a general sense in nature and moral conscience (Psalm 19:1; Romans 1:20; 2:14-15), this is not enough to restore our relationship. That’s why God provided the Bible for us – His special revelation – and did something else amazing: “The Word [Christ] became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood” (John 1:14, The Message). This is the story of God the Son – Jesus Christ – being born as a human, fully God yet fully man, in order to grow up and suffer and die for us on a cross, but miraculously come to life again, forming one of the cornerstones of Christian belief – the Resurrection. It is only through God’s grace that any of us can restore our relationship with our Creator.
Christ and the Good News
But Christ’s death and resurrection do not automatically accomplish a restored relationship between us and God. We must respond personally, sincerely and with a commitment to turn away from our sin (repent), acknowledging that only Christ can save us from our fallen condition.
The gospel or “good news” is that Christ has died for us, meaning that we can ask for His forgiveness and receive it. There is no magic in this request or exact ritual we must follow. It is simply a matter of turning to God through Christ and, through prayer, confessing that we have fallen short of His standards, expressing our desire to have Christ direct our lives for His glory, not ours. [2]
What About Faith and Reason?
But how do faith and reason relate to being a Christian? What if you have a hard time accepting the claims of Christ and Christianity? Fortunately, Christianity has a history, rooted in the Bible, for thinking through tough questions.
It’s not true that Christians must abandon reason in order to embrace faith. Christianity encourages the life of the mind (see, for instance, Matthew 22:37), with Paul noting that Christian beliefs are “true and reasonable” (Acts 26:25). Faith and reason complement one another rather than compete with one another. Christians are not called to blind faith or a leap of faith. Instead, our faith has a firm foundation in a variety of evidences such as the historical evidence for the Resurrection, the reliability of the New Testament documents, validity in historical findings, logical consistency and more.
When compared with other worldviews, Christianity offers the best explanation of reality. Atheism and secular humanism deny the existence of God, meaning that there is nothing essentially wrong with our condition as it is – we’re merely the product of chance and time, anyway, so we can just do the best we can as the reasoning animals we are. Pantheism, the view that everything is divine, generally claims that human beings are basically good. Our problem in pantheism is that we need spiritual liberation through enlightenment. Once we realize we are divine, then we will understand that there really is no distinction between good and evil. In deism, God has created and wound up the universe like a watch, but is now gone, leaving us on our own.
But in Christianity it is God who reaches out to us, seeking to throw us a lifeline if we will only respond to His help.
Featherless Bipeds or Glorious Creatures?
Fortunately, human beings are much more than featherless bipeds, as Plato quipped. We are glorious creatures, made in God’s image, but we are also fallen, broken and in need of salvation. If you are ready to receive Christ and follow Him, we encourage you to do so. Maybe you are uncertain or have further questions. If so, please feel free to contact Focus on the Family or a reputable evangelism ministry such as the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association ( www.billygraham.org ).
In the next article we’ll focus on “What Christ Did for Us,” further exploring God’s plan, specifically in relation to the work of Christ, the meaning of his death and resurrection, and more.
For more information or reading materials, call 1-800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).
Robert Velarde is author of Conversations with C.S. Lewis (InterVarsity Press), The Heart of Narnia (NavPress), and Inside The Screwtape Letters (Baker Books). He studied philosophy of religion and apologetics at Denver Seminary and is pursuing graduate studies in philosophy at Southern Evangelical Seminary.
[1] Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture quotations are from the New International Version of the Bible.
[2] “Steps to Peace with God,” by the Billy Graham Evangelistic Association, presents the gospel message clearly and simply, outlining “God’s Purpose,” “The Problem,” “God’s Bridge,” and “Our Response.”
Copyright 2008 Robert Velarde. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Your Teen Needs You Most of All
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
There Is Still Hope for Your Marriage
Understand How to Respect and Love your Son Well
Steps In Dating Site:focusonthefamily.com 2017
Reconnected: The Digital Experience
Journey with Jesus!
Next Steps: Marriage Assessment
We want your marriage to be thriving and healthy. Take the free Marriage Assessment from Focus on the Family to learn how to strengthen your bond with your spouse and get the tools to help you need to grow closer together.
Next Steps: Fruit of the Spirit Devotionals for Couples
The Fruit of the Spirit Devotional is a free series of nine short videos to get you into God’s Word and inspire you to seek the Holy Spirit’s help in loving your spouse.
Stages Of Dating
Robert Velarde is author of “Conversations with C.S. Lewis” (InterVarsity Press), “The Heart of Narnia” (NavPress), and “Inside The Screwtape Letters” (Baker Books). He studied philosophy of religion and apologetics at Denver Seminary and is pursuing graduate studies in philosophy at Southern Evangelical Seminary.